4. C-Murder
Louisiana is a Republican stronghold, but with the way swing states are swinging this election season, Donald Trump may want to galvanize his supporters. There’s still time before Election Day to overturn the sketchy-ass murder case of this No Limit soldier from N’awlins. Predictably, in the press statement, Trump would affirm that the clemency proves he’s “down for my African Americans.”
3. Martin Shkreli
Trump once called the notorious pharma-bro a “spoiled brat,” which is saying a hell of a lot given his entire family tree. But still, Shkreli shares The Donald’s business skeeviness and even endorsed him during his 2016 election campaign. We all know Trump looks out for the Wall Street types, so we’re sure he’s not above forgiving a little multimillion-dollar fraud case.
2. Rudy Giuliani
Trump’s personal attorney and former mayor of New York City has been under investigation for allegedly violating foreign lobbying laws in an attempt to muddy Biden’s campaign. He’s also been recently exposed for being a creep in Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest Borat film. Trump might just want to get ahead of this one.
1. Himself
To be fair, we don’t know for sure that Trump has been involved in some illegal shit. But 45 has had a stench of foulness since long before he even took office. We’d bet all of our Monopoly money that he’s got a get-out-of-jail-free card in the stash.
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