5. Throwback scary movie binge watch
It’s time to introduce your children to the Halloween garbage you grew up on: nonclassics like Leprechaun, Critters, Ghoulies, and Troll. Are these movies good? Not at all. But your kids made you sit through 500 viewings of Frozen, so it’s time for some payback.
4. Making coronavirus jack-o’-lanterns
Curbside-order some gray or white pumpkins. Set aside family time to poke fuzzy pipe cleaners through the gourd and glue on pieces of candy corn to represent the virus. Set that thing on the porch for a Halloween decoration that’s scarier than any skeleton or witch.
3. A horrifying neighborhood drive
What starts as a drive through the neighborhoods where families have splurged for the most elaborate Halloween lawn decorations takes a detour through the economically ravaged business districts that are still unable to reopen or have gone out of business due to a lack of government help. Scary and educational.
2. Bobbing for PPE
Who can grab the most facemasks, antimicrobial hand wipes, and plastic gloves from a tub of water with their teeth? Note: Don’t use soaking wet facemasks and don’t involve anyone outside the family bubble, because safety.
1. Small-radius trick or treating
It’s come to this. There’s only one home safe to accept candy from and it’s your own damn home. Make a game of having the kids repeatedly ring the doorbell while you improvise increasingly desperate variations on costumes such as “Old Robe Couple,” “Football Fan Wearing Football Jersey,” and “Creepy Grandma Quilt Ghost.” Requires lots and lots of candy, so stock up.
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