5. Bad Snow Cones
In theory, no summer snow cone should be bad. How do you fuck up shaved ice and syrup? Yet again and again, low-rent snow cone stands disappoint with chunky, tooth-cracking ice pellets and bee-attracting syrup that sinks right to the bottom of the cup, leaving bare-ass, flavorless ice. You spent $5 on that?!
4. Ice cream
Ice cream in the summer always sounds perfect until you order a three-scoop, chocolate-dipped monstrosity on a waffle cone, eat the whole thing, and then go outside in the heat while all that dairy is lighting up your guts and making your ass scream. You chose this life.
3. Frozen cocktails
Summer is piña colada, margarita, and Bahama mama time—we don't even mind those frozen ones that come in a pouch. A cold margarita in your pocket? That's mighty salty of you.
2. Popsicles
Whether it's a cheap-ass Fla-Vor-Ice or a fancy made-of-real-fruit ice pop, they're usually just the thing to cool your hot tongue down during a heatwave.
1. Snow Cones (good ones)
If you happen to find a neighborhood snow cone stand that really shaves its snowy ice down to the molecular level and that has syrups that don't send you immediately into a diabetic coma, hold on to that place and patronize it all summer as often as you can. Nothing this good lasts forever.
Peter A. Berry