6. Eric Andre
C’mon, you know you’d decline the hell out of this RSVP invite. Considering the shenanigans and intense trolling this dude showcases on The Eric Andre Show, could you imagine how immature he was at the ceremonial age of 13? He’d probably squirt Cheese Whiz on all of the chairs and expose himself to attendees. Wait, what’s that? [Listens in on earpiece] It appears he actually did flash those who attended his bar mitzvah redo in 2017.
5. Daveed Diggs
A Hamilton-themed celebration? Take that as you will.
4. Tiffany Haddish
Before becoming a Hollywood star (of David), this comedy queen’s job was literally turning up at parties, and getting everyone else just as hyped. Her 40th birthday party — which promoted her Black Mitzvah comedy special — pulled out all the stops with a chair dance and Torah on deck.
3. Tracee Ellis Ross
She’s the daughter of music royalty and funny as hell — of course her bat mitzvah would be a good time. Plus, no need to blow a bag on securing a Soundcloud rapper to perform at the shindig when T-Murda is already in the house!
2. Drake
Drizzy is a nostalgic dude; we’ve already seen him go all out in reliving his rite of passage to manhood again and again (and again). First, there was his ridiculously lit “HYFR (Hell Ya Fucking Right)” video in 2012. Two years later, he revisited the premise for a re-bar mitzvah on Saturday Night Live. When he turned 31 (13 backwards, ju heard?), he threw yet another bar mitzvah in Los Angeles. At this point, he should just make it an annual thing. Mazel tov!
1. Adonis Graham
You bet your ass Drake’s son is gonna throw the party of the century 10 years from now. Best pray to Adonai you’re on the guest list.