6. FUBU
As long as we’re breathing life back into moribund clothing brands, why not revive one that was actually founded by Black designers? You don’t even have to make a big announcement — just sneak it into a Gap ad the way LL did. (Real talk: When have Gap khakis been For Us, anyway? And don’t say Boyz II Men.)
5. Philip Morris
With tobacco companies desperate for folks to put some respect back on their name (and probably entrap another couple of generations of Black folks while they’re at it), might as well see what Candace Owens’ favorite free-thinking rap icon can do. Good luck keeping those cartons of Marlboro Redpills on the shelves (and off StockX)!
4. Cold Stone Creamery
Fun fact: The governor of Arizona, one of the nation’s hottest Covid-19 hot spots, used to be chief executive of the ice cream chain. The spillover effect alone could doom a franchise! Doom a franchise, that is, unless they see the light and start offering the holiest of hot-weather hallelujahs: Kanye’s Sundae Service.
3. The State of Wyoming
In buying up untold acres of land to enact his vision of whatever the hell it is, Kanye Tudda could do more than just make Wyoming seem like the next Calabasas — he could give racist-ass senator Tom Cotton cover for saying that the least-populated state in the United States is more deserving of statehood than D.C. because it’s “well-rounded” and “working class.” The postcards write themselves, don’t they?
2. Clorox Color-Safe Bleach
If there’s one business not in need of saving in 2020, it’s probably the Clorox Company — but considering the angst Kanye felt about bleach-staining his T-shirt, we’re guessing he’d have some prime NSFW slogans to help the 107-year-old brand appeal to the TikTok set.
1. Gorton’s Fish Sticks
You already know.