Scientists have figured out a way to produce poultry without killing actual chickens. Apparently, it tastes just fine. It is "real" chicken, after all—same proteins, same molecular makeup. Just because this chicken never crossed a road doesn't mean it won't taste delicious when coated in seasoning, slathered with BBQ sauce, and grilled to perfection.
There is one problem, though: That name. Cell-cultivated chicken. (Or, it's even creepier moniker, lab-grown chicken.) The resistance shall be real for those who don't want something on their plate that sounds like it was cooked up by Morty's granddad. There's nothing appetizing about a science experiment, no matter how long you leave it in the deep fryer.
All hope isn't lost for cell-based chicken, though. We've got some mouth-watering marketing rebrands to help this effort fly the coop. Check out this pecking order.
7. Not Ones
Salute Hot Ones, the phenomenon video series that features famous people scorching their taste buds after dabbing super-spicy sauce onto chicken wings. We’d rather burn the hell out of our mouths than eat something that sounds like a science project. This is an acceptable compromise.
Related: 8 Fictional Chickens That Are Probably Delicious, Ranked
6. Michael Cudlitz's Meatless Cutlets
This one's for fans of the Walking Dead and Band of Brothers actor. We couldn't think of a better endorsement deal. It definitely has a ring to it.
5. 🎵 Love That Chicken From A Sterile Food Production Facility (Not An Actual Chicken)! 🎵
Please don't sue us, Popeyes. (And props to Gerard Lil Vert for making a whole song out of their jingle.)
Related: FDA Warns Against TikTok Trend of Cooking Nyquil-Marinated Chicken
4. "Balk-Balk!"
For skeptics of lab-grown meats, this marketing strategy comes in the form of a dare: Are you too (organic) chicken to try (fugazi) chicken? What are you, some kind of coward? We are envisioning a person in a giant, aggressively styled chicken costume (black leather? studded collar?) berating skeptics on the street.
3. "I Got the Nuggs!"
Remember those "I got the Mott's!" commercials from the 1980s? No? Just us? It was a whole thing, you gotta believe us. Making a product look like it's worth stealing raises its value. That's just marketing science. (There's already a product called Nuggs, so we're willing to sell this idea to them instead.)
Related: The 7 Best Fast Food Chicken Sandwiches, Ranked
2. Mama Said Knock You Off!
LL Cool J endorses knockoff chicken products that even his mother would approve. She seems like a cool (er, Cool) lady. Win, win, win!
1. This Cell-Grown Chicken CLUCKS!
We're gonna stop short from saying that the lab-grown chicken f**ks, but the implication is there. This is manmade meat you're definitely gonna want to cluck with. (Whoops!)