Disney's Haunted Mansion finally hits theaters this week with a cast that features some of our favorite actors including LaKeith Stanfield, Rosario Dawson, and Tiffany Haddish. The franchise film comes after theme park rides, comics and lots of other media and will likely stick to the Disney lore around it.
Still, we can't help but feel the filmmakers might’ve missed an opportunity to make the movie a whole lot scarier for grownups while still leaving in the ghouls and light jump scares for younger viewers. In addition to the Endless Hallway and Stretching Room, we dreamed up some of the rooms in the Haunted Mansion that would make it a lot scarier for mature audiences.
7. The Auditorium of Public Speaking, Where Time Stands Still
It's time to give a speech about what you do for a living to an audience of Gen-Z interns all looking at their smartphones. You have no notes, no prompter, and your pants are missing for some reason. You can do this! You've only got one hour, 59 minutes, and 50 seconds left! Fill the time!
6. The Tax Prep Parlor of Pain
All your receipts for the entire year are laid out in disorganized piles all over the floor. The 1040EZ form you usually file has been replaced with 666HardAF and you have to use a solar-powered calculator that keeps fading and losing your progress. Nothing adds up right and you think you might owe the government $1 million. Oh, and exiting the parlor triggers an audit of your last 10 tax returns.
5. The Useless Kitchen of Disorganization
You just want a glass of water but the cabinets are filled with lunch boxes and bags of rice. There's four drawers of forks, but no spoon drawer. There's a sink, but only salt comes out. Who designed this room, it makes no sense!
4. The Random Room of Regret
Just an empty, featureless room leaving you with nothing to do but ponder where it all went wrong. (Sigh.)
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3. Someone Else's Disgusting Porn Den
A random person's YouPorn playlist is displayed on a giant screen, showing all the fetishes you are definitely not into. The Hell is wrong with this person?! (No judgment, but damn!)
2. The Endless Buying-a-Car Office
Not one room, but dozens; the salesperson has you sign a form spat out of a dot-matrix printer. Then you go sign another form in another room… then another room… hey, did you say you wanted that gap protection? That's in the next room. And interest rates keep rising the longer this takes!
1. The Bottomless Breakup Bedroom
It's just a sexless bed you sit in until 4 a.m. with your significant other trying to decide if you're staying together, breaking up, or what. You're not getting any sleep, you're not getting any sex, you probably won't decide anything definitive; you'll just talk and talk... forever. SCARY!