8. Helios, So Named Because He Worships the Sun God
This is the person who raises the closed window on a red-eye flight to watch the sunrise on the horizon while everyone else is trying to sleep. NO, HELIOS, STOP LETTING THE LIGHT IN! Bad disciple! Bad disciple!
7. Mr. Security Problem
Has this person never flown before? Do they not know to take off their giant belt buckle, put loose change and keys into the bowl, and remove their damn laptop and shoes before walking through that weird vroosh body scanner? Maybe the TSA should be groping them with extra vigor, as punishment for holding up the rest of us.
6. The Family That Can't Figure Out Boarding Pass Numbers
If you fly Southwest, you know the procedure of getting in line to board based on your boarding pass number (A55, B12, etc.). Or at least you should. Although the pillars are clearly marked, so many can't figure out which way the arrows are pointing or how the numbers 1-60 work. If you can't stand in the right spot, you should lose that spot altogether. I said what I said.
5. Lunchables Loretta
Nobody minds when you bring your own drink on the flight, but opening up the meal you bought in the airport terminal and giving the 10 rows around you a whiff of still-steaming chicken strips is just cruel. Hope you brought enough for everybody.
4. Sammy the Seat Kicker
Nothing will make you want to turn into a child punter or flight puncher (see #1) faster than a kid behind you treating the back of your seat like a Dance Dance Revolution arcade unit. This should be punishable by ejection from the plane. (Yes, even mid-air. This guy gets it.)
3. Leanback Leon
Seats on a plane have a feature to recline slightly, but in recent years, actually using it has become frowned upon as it invades the personal space of the passenger to the rear and ruins their tray angle. There are even hacks on TikTok to prevent it. At the end of a flight, you're reminded to get upright again as if you did something wrong by reclining. Maybe they should just phase out reclining altogether, don't you think?
2. Da Baby Screamer
If you were a baby and someone stuck you in a metal flying tube and pressurized the hell out of your tender infant ears, you'd be screaming too. It’s not the baby's fault, but the crying is still awful.
1. Mr. Punches Airplane Staff
Increasingly common! We bought tickets for an Orlando flight, not an MMA fight.