The Hilarious, Disturbing Inner Monologue of a Former President Getting His Mugshot Taken

Welp, it finally happened. A former U.S. president got perp-photographed in connection with his latest indictment. Wow.

You can take the mad-dog mug of Donald Trump a lot of ways. Is this defiance? Anger? Umbrage? John Bolton, who used to work with him, just called it "Thug."

By now, you've surely seen the photo of Trump that was captured yesterday (Aug. 24) at Fulton County Jail in Atlanta. But do you have any clue what he was thinking at the time of the instantly iconic image? Do you even want to know?

That second question is important. If the answer is no, stop here. Read no further. Because we just happen to have gotten our hands on brainwave access to the former president, to suss out what was going on below that orange skin and overpriced hairpiece. We can't tell you where we borrowed the technology (Hint: His name rhymes with Pee-Long Lust). We're not revealing our sources, so don't ask any questions. Just enjoy the fruits of our hard investigative labor.

Without further ado, here it is: The inner monologue of Donald J. Trump, at the exact moment his mugshot was taken.

Oh, this is a dirty hallway. PURPLE STATE OF COURSE. The votes are in and you are a RIGGED STATE, GEORGIA, but I will say you do hot wings the right way. Lots of sauce, LOTS OF HEAT. Do they still have J.R. Crickets? I'll have to ask, but not until after this TRAVESTY. The cricket looked a little like Jiminy, but they never got sued by Disney I don't think. HELL OF A LEGAL CASE THAT WOULD BE, like Ronny in Florida, fighting Big Mouse. But the wings are first-rate, juicy, and huge, a little hot for my taste, but MEATY AND TENDER.

Yes, I'll stand over here, behind the line. This line. I don't like lines. LINES ARE FOR FOLLOWERS. That's an interesting camera. Not the old-timey ones with the accordion and the flash pole. Remember those? You'd blink at the camera and A WHOOSH blind for five minutes, stumbling around. Oh right. Straight ahead, chin down. Don't smile. SCOWL LIKE YOU MEAN IT, DONNY. They're all wrong, you know, all against me, the rats and the turncoats and the FROWN FROWN FROWN, gonna get you all, gonna make you pay.

Related: I Personally Cannot Wait to Watch Donald Trump's Perp Walk

Fani Willis, what a nasty woman. What a NASTY NASTY WOMAN. A six at best. A New York four. Sitting up in her chair like QUEEN OF SHEBA. Hates the Trump, hates liberty, out for blood. Wait until the base activates. She'll be OUT ON HER FANI like the rest, like Roe versus Wade, like AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, relics of the past.

It's already past 7. Thursday night used to be MUST SEE TV, now it's MUST PLEASE LIBS O' Clock. This used to be Cosby Show time, they had that Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields, A NEW YORK 10 IN HER PRIME, but suddenly Susan was gone and what did they replace her with? That awful Madman of the People. Love the Dabney. Dabney Coleman was a mensch, but what a terrible show, NOT UP TO NBC'S USUAL MUST-SEE TV STANDARDS. You know who was a real madman of the people? Rudy Giuliani, another rat leaving the ship. Poor Rudy, sweating his hair die because he tried to save a little money. DON'T CUT CORNERS ON THE HAIR, RUDY, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

Related: 6 Crimes Trump Won't Be Indicted For (But Totally Should!), Ranked

“Stand closer to the line”—all right, calm down. I've got your pound of flesh. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, SCOWL SCOWL. Gotta be defiant, gotta be headstrong. Oh, I miss that Cecily Strong on that awful Saturday Night Live. A little heavy for my taste but what a voice when she belted one out. What's she doing now? Verizon commercials? Not the best network, Cecily. FROWNY FACE GRRRR you haven't heard the last of me, we're just getting started. 2024 is all mine, these jokers on the debate stage, they can't pull off a mad-dog mug shot. You think Pence has a warrior bone in his body? He'd cry right now and pray to Jesus. Weak, weak, weak. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE MIKEY AND YOU BLEW IT. This would be a whole other country if you'd just been loyal. SCOWL.

What’s that, it’s no flash bulb? How am I supposed to know when it flashes? Not even a click? What a crummy budget they've got here, no money for camera clicks. That's what you get when the liberals and the bums and women take over. It all falls apart. Just gimme the picture and I'll post it myself on Twitter or X and ON THE TRUTHSOCIALS. Where's my phone, let's get this posted. But first, let's GOOGLE J.R. CRICKETS and see if they're still around…