Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg recently suggested he might take up Elon Musk's offer of a geek-vs.-geek cage match. But, really, who wants to see that? We have much better ideas for who should get in the ring with the Tesla/Twitter/SpaceX entrepreneur, who has a thing for DeSantis, Trumpism, and the racist Dilbert guy. This is a golden opportunity—and these five opponents would be worthy of a title card billing. Somebody get Don King on the phone, let's see if Elon is really 'bout that bout life!
5. All Those Kids
Elon has sired 10 children (that we know of!)—and they're not all thrilled with the parentage. Let's get Oedipal with this s**t!
4. Jeff Bezos
Remember when Amazon's Jeff Bezos looked like the friendliest librarian or children's TV host? That's changed as the man has buffed up, trophy-wifed, and fixated on going into space. That bulk couldn't have been all natural. Will 'roid rage give him an advantage against Musk, with whom he's been feuding for years? We predict a Prime ass-kicking, delivered in a same-day, four-hour window.
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3. Will Smith
The guy's got misdirected anger issues and we'd much rather see him smack up Musk than comedians trying to do their job. Bonus points if he walks out to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
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2. Cardi B
Twitter's most hilariously vocal smack-talker is not afraid to throw hands (and shoes) IRL, and she's got reason to beef: The rapper was recently shadowbanned on the bird app for posting a NSFW image in support of Janelle Monáe.
1. Jaleel White (as Steve Urkel)
Hear us out: What could be better than seeing one of America's most beloved nerds (as played by Jaleel White on Family Matters) beat the last remaining bit of sense out of hated nerd Elon Musk's fat head? Sure, he can't box worth a damn, but dude is well trained in the art of towel combat. And if Urkel transforms into his Bruce Lee-esque alter ego, Elon will forget all about Dogecoin and instead try to figure out how to doge this roundhouse to the face. Kick his ass... to the moon!