14. Mister Señor Love Daddy (Do the Right Thing)
Mister Señor Live Daddy is smooth and has a way with words. He’d probably be a fantastic guest on Sesame Street, but I can’t get over the fact that Mister Señor Live Daddy sounds like an Afro-Latino porn star from the ’70s.
13. Major Marquis Warren (The Hateful Eight)
Big-time killer and bounty hunter. A lot of his kills are Confederate soldiers, though, so that’s alright with me.
12. Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)
A foul-mouthed murderous hitman—but he did go forth on a path of righteousness. Could be very good for kids.
11. Neville Flynn (Snakes on a Plane)
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking cops on these motherfucking kids’ shows.
10. Hold-Up Man (Coming to America)
He tried to rob a McDowell’s, which is not McDonald’s. They got golden arches and McDonald’s has golden arcs. McDowell’s has a Big Mick, and McDonald’s has the Big Mac. Clear difference.
9. Ordell Robbie (Jackie Brown)
On the lowest of keys, Jackie Brown is Quentin Tarantino’s best movie, in large part due to Jackson’s portrayal of arms and drug dealer Ordell Robbie. He’s a cold-blooded killer and all, but the main reason he shouldn’t be on Sesame Street is probably because of his braided soul beard and ponytail combo. It looks truly bad. Can’t influence the children to ever think that’s okay.
8. Jimmy (Hard Eight)
Jimmy is an untrustworthy and bad dude whose natural habitat is the seediest parts of Las Vegas. On that note, if you haven’t seen Hard Eight, Paul Thomas Anderson’s debut feature, check it out as soon as possible. Jackson is incredible in it, even if a young Phil Hoffman (rest in peace) kind of steals the show in one scene.
7. Lazarus (Black Snake Moan)
A self-loathing, self-righteous prude who kidnaps a woman who likes sex too much for his liking would be great for an evangelist television program. Considering they never put Bert and Ernie through conversion therapy, Sesame Street is not that.
6. Chaney (Oldboy)
Chaney is the architect of a kidnapping and decades of torture and looks exactly like the kind of guy who would do it. However, the most egregious crime of all is Spike Lee turning a masterpiece (Oldboy, 2003) into a big steaming pile of booty.
5. Stephen (Django Unchained)
4. Gator Purify (Jungle Fever)
This is Sesame Street, not D.A.R.E.
3. Richmond Valentine (Kingsman: The Secret Service)
Bro is a whole eco-terrorist out here!
2. Elijah Price/Mr. Glass (Unbreakable, Split, and Glass)
Mr. Glass is a bonafide villain with superhuman intelligence. If you put him on a nationally televised children’s show, you’ll have an army of children robbing banks, hacking government computers, and setting off nuclear bombs all over the country.
1. Barron (Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children)
Samuel L. Jackson's filmography is rife with roles in which he depicts criminals, drug addicts, terrorists, murderers, deviants, and unsavory thugs—and I’m not just describing the cop. All of them pale in comparison to this weird-looking dude right here. Keep him far, far, far away from your kids. Don’t matter what he’s about. Look at him!
H. Drew Blackburn