6. “Why did you leave your previous employment?”
They couldn’t pay me enough to avoid having a nervous breakdown due to incompetent middle management, scheming co-workers, sexually harassing executives, all while making an unlivable wage that made treating said breakdown impossible. Also, just looking to explore new opportunities!
5. “What’s your worst quality?”
Not so much a question seeking actual worst qualities as much as it is a test to see if the applicant can spin the query into something self-aggrandizing like “I’m a workaholic” or “I’m too much of a perfectionist and way too detail-oriented to ever fucking chill for just one second.” Meanwhile, your actual worst quality is “Spends 95% of work hours staring at my stock portfolio on Robinhood.”
4. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Sniffing space cocaine on Pitbull’s Mars colony while spending all the money I embezzled from this company. Next question.
3. “What can you offer this company?”
See all those things in the job description? Those things right there. Beyond that, we’re going to need to negotiate some stock options.
2. “What salary are you looking for?”
This technique sometimes ferrets out job applicants with modest aspirations who might lowball themselves out of a more lucrative arrangement by answering incorrectly. The correct answer is “$15,000-a-year more than whatever you think I need.”
1. “Where are you from… originally?”
This bullshit question is a way of determining your ethnicity or place of birth, especially if they are not obvious or if the interviewer thinks you may be from another country. “I’m from Indeed.com — it’s right there on the cover letter” is a great response.