7. The self-improver
An annual Tough Mudder participant. Is in the middle of a juice cleanse. Is reading The 4-Hour Workweek. Just invited you to a Zoom meditation session. Meanwhile, your fist is lodged halfway down a tube of Pringles.
6. The bargainer
This person has a dining room set from Wayfair, four very used ceiling fans, 20 vintage Transformers toys that may or may not still transform, and a truck bed full of ceramic tiles they’re willing to trade or sell. All they ask is that you share their Marketplace listings with all your friends and be on the lookout for Hummel figurines.
5. The oversharer
At least once a week, they post a tearful Facebook Story about how they were treated badly in the Burger King drive-thru or how they’re navigating the incredibly ugly and private details of their recent divorce. Posts 100 boring photos of their toddler every day.
4. The conspiracy theory peddler
Keywords: Fauci, brain implants, George Soros, Plandemic, #StopTheSteal, #SaveTheChildren, Ben Shapiro.
3. The barnacle
This is the person you tried to avoid in high school who is somehow still clinging to a friendship that never existed. Every six months, they’ll send a weird, no-context health update in Messenger (“Just had toe surgery!”) or ask, “Do you still like grunge music?” at 3:30 a.m.
2. The social butterfly
The party-pics person who has 5,000 Facebook friends and posts links to their self-help yoga blog used to be only annoying. Now they’re straight-up toxic, as they post photos of themselves on a boat with 25 unmasked strangers or their “girls’ night out” indoor restaurant superspreader event in the middle of a pandemic.
1. The lifer
Some people try to minimize Facebook in their life or quit it entirely. This person… does not. Instead, they embrace everything about the platform, sending out invites on the social network for watch parties, posting dozens of photos for every trip outside the house, and even continuing to send game invites for Farmville in the Year of Our Lord 2021. If there’s a life outside of Facebook, they haven’t found it yet.