7. The Bow Wow challenger
If the Fyre Festival documentaries revealed anything, it’s that a lot of the people making you jealous with their jet-setting are literally renting out studio space and snapping glossy photos of a would-be life. Or, simply photoshopping themselves on the Great Wall of China. We know it’s cap, but the FOMO still slaps.
6. The text machine
There are only so many “live laugh love” mantras, screengrabbed tweets, and quotes misattributed to civil rights leaders that one person can take. There are literally whole other apps dedicated to words — including, but not limited to, the platform you’re currently scrolling.
5. The fitness buff
This weight room warrior inundates Instagram with images straight outta Planet Fitness. Let them tell it, they’re trying to inspire us. (Or, they’re just there for the photo op, as their utter lack of perspiration shows.) Meanwhile, we’re sitting at home in our drawers scraping the last bit of Skippy peanut butter from its plastic container with a spoon.
4. The marketing tool
This social media influencer may very well have opinions of his or her own. But you wouldn’t know it based on their feed, which vouches for more consumer brands than Ricky Bobby. As if they’re all reading from the same script, these clips all start with some variation of “So, everyone’s been asking me how I…” followed by a shameless plug of a skin care product, or a type of paper towel, or whatever company paid for their endorsement. Secure the bag, we guess — just don’t forget your #ad and #sponsored hashtags.
3. The long-arc storyteller
There you are, mindlessly tapping through stories, where the vast majority are demarcated with lines that look something like this: — — — — — —
And then you come across this person’s story, a collection of approximately 57 slides that shrink the corresponding lines to resemble an infinite ellipsis: …………………………
We can’t help but feel this person is begging for our prolonged attention, but ain’t nobody got time for all that. We’re swiping past your shit with the quickness, holmes. Guaranteed.
2. The narcissist
This person’s entire grid looks like a never-ending neck-up photo shoot. Either their device’s rear camera is broken or they really, really like their own face.
1. The scammer
Seeing is believing, which is why people of this ilk swarm IG like flies on shit. Speaking of shit, no, we don’t want to take advantage of your one-day-only sale on tummy tea, Fraudy McFraudster!