8. The numbers guy
Has 5,000+ network connections. Wouldn’t recognize a single one of them.
7. The financial planner
They have a great plan for your small business (you don’t own a small business) or podcast (you don’t podcast) to save you money by being your tax adviser and accountant (you already have one). They’re eager to hear about your entrepreneurial dreams (you aren’t an entrepreneur). They’ve looked over your profile as carefully as they would your taxes.
6. The headhunter
This person has the perfect job for you — that is, if you don’t mind living in Duluth, working for a psychopathic CEO, and getting paid entirely in bitcoin.
5. The brain picker
You don’t know this person at all, but they desperately want to have a Zoom session, phone call, or socially distanced Starbucks meeting to “pick your brain” about your career. To them, all of the expertise you’ve accumulated over the course of your professional life is worth the price of a cup of coffee, or less.
4. The copy-and-paste motivator
This person has nary a single original thought in their head, so they copy and paste pseudo-inspirational but clearly fake business stories or hardship tales from wherever-the-fuck on the internet. These phony fables are somehow less inspiring than the motivational posters on sale at OfficeMax, but they’re not completely useless: At the very least, they motivate you to cut this connection off.
3. The memester
LinkedIn is where unfunny memes go to cry their unholy, dying wails, yet this person still hasn’t figured out that nobody goes to LinkedIn for the laughs.
2. The achiever
Uses LinkedIn like a trophy case, posting every day about being honored for community service, guesting on leadership podcasts, and landing deals at their high-six-figure salary job. That’s gonna be us someday.
1. The business-casual creep
LinkedIn is NOT a dating network. But try telling that to this fiftysomething executive who treats it like Tinder. Instead of swiping right, he sends a message to would-be interns insisting they “have a lot of potential and could use some one-on-one mentoring,” conveniently forgetting to mention the body part he intends to mentor with. Report their Harvey Weinstein ass.
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