Last night, Sean Hannity sent a film crew to post up outside Joe Biden’s Delaware home, demanding that the former vice president respond to baseless conspiracy theories against his son Hunter. And listen: Before we get this poppin’, I’m not here to debate with nary one of you about the legitimacy of those claims, the presidency, or this whole stupid political shitfest. But I will indeed go in on hands.
In particular, “deez hands.” And in even more particular, the “deez hands” that belong to Joe and the Biden clan, who had unwelcome folks on their property.
Where I come from, you pull up to somebody else’s home spouting off about all the questions they “better” answer, you best be ready for fisticuffs, if not firearms. Them’s just the breaks in Texas. Still, what I wouldn’t have given to hear those indelible words of Black subterranean America—“Woooorrrllllddddstttaaarrrrr!”—shouted outside of Biden’s front lawn as he lays a haymaker on Hannity’s mug.
Granted: No one in their right mind expected that. But if the Dems wanted to whip up excitement around their candidate, handing Hannity’s minion a quick two-piece chicken combo would’ve gotten those elusive voters they crave certifiably hype. And if they need a few pointers — perhaps a vision after which to model themselves—they need look no further than their own political rival, Kanye West.
There’s only a few lessons in Ye’s curriculum that you’ll catch me signing up for—definitely not one on Black economics, choosing a spouse, nor making and keeping friends. One I’d sign up for every fucking day of the week, though? Laying Holy Hands on the Paparazzi 101.
Just gimme a little spice, Joe. Make this stupid circus worthwhile.
Imagine, for one moment, Hannity’s goon pulling up on Amtrak Joe with the camera like, “Yo, Joe! Love the new album, you’re a genius, bro! Now about your son’s laptop...” And the honorable gentleman from Delaware, one hand outstretched to block the camera lens, hits him back with the all-time Yeezy gem: “That’s fine, but don’t talk to me. I don’t wanna hear the paparazzi talk to me or anyone I know. I don’t wanna hear paparazzi talk to me. Don’t talk to themselves! Don’t talk again.” Then he knocks over the tripod and lunges at the pesky photographer like Brock fucking Lesnar. Just gimme a little spice, Joe. Make this stupid circus worthwhile.
Before Yeezy sold off the majority share of his own credibility, it didn’t matter if it was one cameraman or many making bank off his image: nearby vultures were all liable to get their shit busted. And remember, Kanye was breaking cameras and throwing blows because the paparazzi are one of Hollywood’s annoying, virulent bullies. This type of retaliatory energy and trappings of a backbone is exactly what the DNC is missing these days while dealing with their own boogeymen. At least try to get your knuckles dirty while you’re supposedly “protecting” the free world from a racist, sexist, sentient pumpkin.
Biden/Harris running a campaign on “deez hands” as an alternative strategy in dealing with a Big Bad is the perfect move. Not only can they create their own bully under the guise of fending off another one, but they also provide an easy answer for how to handle these types of idiots. Crack a jaw or two, eat the probation bid, and they’ll never come cross at the Dems again. Victory awaits!