The Capitol Police might have gone easy on the domestic terrorists who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday, but the internet gladly stepped in. On Reddit, Twitter, and elsewhere, folks have been archiving the terrorists’ livestreams to identify them — and to make sure that the evidence lives on even after the idiots realize they’ve incriminated themselves in a federal crime and try to delete their uploads. Noble work? Damn skippy. And to do our part, we thought we’d help by identifying the folks captured in many of the newswire photographs that came from the Stop the Steal rally and the ensuing insurrection.
You know the flicks we’re talking about: the guy with the Confederate flag walking through the hall; the yahoo with his feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk; the woman getting escorted carefully down the steps by a cop like she hasn’t just participated in some action-movie-level bullshit. See, most of the captions that come with those photos are minimally descriptive: “Thousands of Donald Trump supporters storm the United States Capitol building following a Stop the Steal rally on January 6, 2021, in Washington, D.C.” The world needs to know who these people are, so we went digging. Are these really their names and circumstances? Nope — but that’s not going to stop us from thinking they are!
“I haven’t felt this exhilarated since Arby’s brought back White Cheddar Mac & Cheese!” said Roy Dungle, who livestreamed his treason on CaucasianDadNews. “Tell Berleen that ol’ Roy’s on his way home for some wildly unsatisfying sex!”
(L-R) Karen Roberts, Karen Van Der Wolff, and Karen ‘Karen’ Glibbons pose with a sign that even they admit means nothing. “We just want everyone to have a tree, even if the socialists outlaw Christmas,” said Glibbons before running off to interrogate a non-White person walking on a nearby public thoroughfare.
“I’M VERY AFRAID,” roared Scott Innsbruck of Stumpy’s Corner, Arkansas, getting ready to smash windows with a group of other men with beards. “I DON’T HAVE CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS, AND MY TRUST AND FEAR ARE EASILY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF! GET YOUR MICROCHIP VACCINE OUT OF MY ARM, BILL GATES!”
Jesse “Barista” Taylor takes off his gas mask in order to more efficiently inhale the aerosolized Covid-19 particles spewing from the spittle-flecked maws of his terror pals. “I did it!” he crowed. “I did what daddy wanted, and he said I was special!”
Vendors who would identify themselves only as “Nah” and “Stop asking me questions before you get your ass kicked” sell merchandise near the Capitol. “I ain’t into any of this shit,” said Nah. “But these stupid motherfuckers buying $100 sweatshirts are putting me through college.”
Two Capitol Police officers confer in the aftermath. “That was fun, glad I could get the time off,” said Lt. Alan Haversham to his colleague, patrolman Dan Barrow. “Thanks for going easy on us. Drinks with the Proud Boys later?”
(L-R) Madison Littlefield, Dylan Stubbs, and Grant “Yeet” Jenks try to figure out how to use the phone in Nancy Pelosi’s office. “Where’s Alex Jones when you need him?” Littlefield asked in frustration, jabbing at the keypad.
The Maddox County Auxiliary Club confers after gaining access to the Senate Chamber. What was this all for, exactly? What did they think was going to happen? Where are the truckloads of stolen votes? Where’s the child-trafficking sex cult? They pause. They sigh. They refuse to look each other in the eye. Then one by one, they turn and leave — secure only in the knowledge that a country that is built to coddle their fragile xenophobic worldview and privilege them above all others will agree to forget this ever happened. U-S-A! U-S-A!