Here's Why Women Would Rather Be Single Than Date Men

Whether platonic or romantic, all (key word) healthy relationships have a common thread: The person(s) you’ve chosen to be a part of your life brings you some sort of joy. He or she serves a purpose and plays an active role in contributing to your happiness. Maybe not in everything, everywhere and all at once but for the most part that’s what makes them special. Otherwise, what’s the point?

It’s that sort of self reflection that can lead someone to finally cut toxic people out of their lives. That goes for marriages, lifelong friendships, business partnerships, and romantic relationships. When it comes to the latter, it seems more and more women are tapping into their inner Mary J. Blige and proudly proclaiming “I can do bad all by myself,” choosing singleness over the societal glorification of being Ella Mai boo’d up.

According to a 2017 report by data analyst Mintel, women are generally happier flying solo than men. In fact, at the time of the survey, 75 percent of the single ladies surveyed said they weren’t even looking for a partner. One of the main reasons was that heterosexual relationships were harder work for women.

“There's evidence that women spend longer on domestic tasks than men and I think they also do more emotional work,” explained Emily Grundy, professor of population science at the University of Essex. "Women tend to be better at having alternative social networks and other confidantes whereas men tend to rely quite heavily on their wives for that and have fewer other social ties.”

This idea of women being content by themselves scoffs in the face of the imagery American media has spoonfed us for generations. But it raises an important question about the state of the modern dating scene. With that in mind, we reached out to seven heterosexual Black women to get their honest perspectives on the topic and how they find their happy place—with or without a man.

Knowing A Woman’s Worth

“I am happier single, but it's not because I feel like I have to do more [emotional] work than a man. There are men out there that work just as hard—if not harder—to show their woman her worth. But a lot of men just don't do the work on themselves first—that’s what makes it hard to be with someone. If I'm going to therapy, re-learning myself, and understanding who I am, I expect my man to do the same. One thing my best friend told me that I will never forget is: The man I want exists because I exist. I stand firm on that because as a high-value woman I want a high-value man. And I won't settle for less.” —Rose*, 31, New Jersey

“If I'm going to therapy, re-learning myself, and understanding who I am, I expect my man to do the same.”

Men Really Are From Mars

“Being single comes with a lot of benefits: You can fly to Budapest on a whim just because JetBlue is having a sale, and if you happen to meet a cutie, you two can grab some mimosas and see if there’s a vibe. However, loneliness befalls us all and I think men will oftentimes venture down unhealthy avenues to quell that feeling more so than women.

I’ve loved and known awesome men, but holistically, it feels as though men are always searching for a woman to either ground them or protect them from their own instinctual destructive ways. Even some of my past male friendships were laborious at times with the way they mined me for my emotional strength, intellect, and the intimacy they wanted but couldn’t articulate. It’s been my experience that men are never truly enough for themselves, and women are better at forming communities outside of romantic relationships.” —Shenequa, 38, Queens, NY

Love Is a Balancing Act

“Some of my most cherished friendships are the ones I have with men, but on the other hand, romantic relationships have been work. Many men are socialized to think they’re superior in the male-female dynamic. This becomes increasingly difficult for educated women, because we can hold our own in life and in conversation with men.

Many of the men who have been interested in me or who I’ve dated posture this idea of shared values and dreams for the future, but at some point, all of them began to perceive me as their competitor rather than their partner. I’ve had an ex make snide remarks comparing his IQ to mine or spark strange competitions for who has more passport stamps, like my achievements rattled his sense of masculinity. Many men seem to be overwhelmed by the challenge of being the equal of a woman who is educated, independent, has a successful career, is achieving the life she wants, and who is driven toward success.”

Personally, I enjoy my boyfriend’s company, but there are definitely times I miss not being responsible for someone's heart. Not because I want to be out in the streets, but because I’m not certain that my boyfriend is who I’m supposed to share offspring with. The weight of that uncertainty is cumbersome and sometimes makes me wish I were still single.” —Tracey*, 33, NYC

“Even some of my past male friendships were laborious at times with the way they mined me for my emotional strength.”

Building a Life Together Is Key

“When it comes to relationships, I find a lot of men hold on to past hurt as reasons to not open up more than women might, since not being single is a priority for us. At my age, I like dating men with children or who are divorced because their life experience has usually taught them how to fit their world around another individual. Single guys at my age with no kids or have never married tend to struggle with sharing space and life with someone.” —Shanelle, 39, Brooklyn, NY

Match My Energy

“I hate to generalize, but I think women are happier being single because we are better at creating a great quality of life without a partner. For us, adding a partner who can’t match that quality of life can create more issues than benefits.

Some of the biggest issues I’ve faced in relationships have been insecurity over me outearning them, inability to communicate, and trust issues. I enjoy the freedom of doing what I want without having to consider another person’s needs, wants, or thoughts, but the hardest part about being single the past five years is not starting a family.” —Rachelle*, 45, Atlanta, GA

"I can't tell you how many guys send a bunch of texts in the mornings then take two days to respond or plan things; it's hard to build a rapport with this kind of dynamic. I just don't have the energy anymore."

Take It Slow

“I'm not sure if women are happier being single but we deal with it better. Usually, when a couple breaks up, the woman may immediately vent to her mom and/or close circle of friends and focus on her next steps in life. Men tend to focus on a distraction rather than healing. It’s like they feel insecure if they aren't in a relationship. Women want to be in a relationship with someone we actually have an interest in so we may not move on as fast in terms of dating someone new right away. But when a woman is ready to be in a relationship though, we're ready!” —Alison*, 38, Los Angeles, CA

Miss Independent

“I've actually stopped looking to find a partner. For me, dating goes one of three ways: 1) The person isn't looking for anything serious or doesn't know what they want. 2) They seem great, but I'm personally not that into them and you can't force chemistry. 3) They’re just liars. I can't tell you how many guys send a bunch of texts in the mornings then take two days to respond or plan things; it's hard to build a rapport with this kind of dynamic. I just don't have the energy anymore to give to something that usually ends up hurting me in the end. If I find someone, great, but I'm close to the point of accepting being alone.” —Tanya*, 37, Brooklyn, NY

*Name changed at subject’s request